"Everything's A Copy Of A Copy Of A Copy"

I realize I've only written three posts, well four including this one, but none of them are about insomnia! Insomnia wasn't even on my list of ideas for blog posts.

That's insanity.

If you've ever spoken to me for longer than... 20 minutes, you'd know this was insanity. Pure and true.

As you'll be able to note by the time this is posted, I'm in a bout of it now. Though it's only 12:16am at this precise moment, so that's not too bad.

Bad is watching the sunrise, bad is laying down and knowing immediately that you aren't going to sleep, bad is doing everything right - not eating right before bed, not staring at a screen, not taking a hot shower, not reading with a bright light, taking melatonin (or even ambient) - and still not even having an ounce of luck with the whole sleeping situation.

This isn't every night of course. Sometimes I can sleep every night for a couple weeks. Though never much longer than that. And even now that seems like a really long time to go without a restless night.

Those people out there who say their head hits the pillow and they don't know how long it takes them to fall asleep because it happens so fast... you are just... a lucky little... good for you or something else nice.

That has never happened to me. 

I mean, I can fall asleep in the car, and be like asleep asleep, like REM level sleep, basically crawl to my bed in the dark, lay down, and then remain awake for 3-4 hours.

Whaaaaaaat, you say.

Yes, I know. It's true.

I used to think it was in my head. All of it. Which I guess it is, but I mean that I could control it. I can't. I can accept it. Make peace with it. Get better at running on 2 hours a night, but I can't harness it and make it succumb to my insistent whims to sleep for 8 hours straight.

Shockingly, this also means I can't nap. I had a roommate (amazing roommate FYI, looking at you TayTay - no one calls her that but she likes it and I'm loop-ily tired, so there you go) who napped like a boss. We'd put on a show and then she'd be out in roughly 7 minutes. And then I'd pause the show and watch another show so that when she woke up, we could resume the first show. 

It's reasons like this that I've watched so much TV.

Spend middle school getting 4 hours a night, might be painful, but don't worry because you can learn all the lines in over 80 hours of Friends. You'll also become very familiar with life in the OC as well as Dillon, TX. (This is all depending on what's popular/available at the time of your insomnia I suppose because I also watched Bones, House, Parenthood, and numerous Syfy shows no one has heard of.)

Needless to say, it's a constant struggle. First world, but a struggle all the same. And I don't think I even have it that bad in the grand scheme of things. Sure there are especially rude spells like freshman year of college where I was running on literally 18-24 hours a week. A week!

I have no conclusion other than insomnia sucks and it's real and you should have sympathy for those who have it.

My other sleeping issues, like not tolerating the sound of deep breathing or a ticking clock or any kind of blinking light, those you can be exasperated by. Even I'm exasperated by them.

I can be exasperating.

It's not even like I'm up thinking. Sometimes I'm up thinking. Sometimes I'm up writing. But sometimes, most of the time, I'm just wanting to sleep. I'm trying to relax every body part one by one and breathe in... then breathe out. I allow my mind to wander and then bringing my focus to my shoulder and releasing all that tension. Then my arm, then my other shoulder, other arm, onto the legs!

I promise I try.

I try all the things. And sometimes they work. And sometimes they don't. And I carry on, as my fellow insomniacs do, because the alternative is... nothing actually - there is no alternative. I'm not even being strong, just out of other options.

Well, I'm being a little strong. I'm part badass.

You try getting through college watching the sun rise 50% of the time... You probably did, but it was for different reasons so I reject it.

I'm too tired to end this cleverly, so I'll just stop.

**The title of this post is a quote from Fight Club about insomnia. I'm really impressed if you knew that already... mostly because I didn't. I googled it.