A Little Less

I think I'd be lost. If I didn't have them. If I didn't know them. If I was in this alone. 

I'd wander around this world and I'd be poorly dressed and wearing the wrong shade of eyeshadow. I would be thinking way too much about how my hair is falling funny. I'd definitely be throwing up before that final interview and probably wouldn't have talked to my parents about that thing. 

I'd be lonely and scared. Probably more awkward and definitely more neurotic. 

They keep me grounded and sane yet let me be me. They let me say the absurd stuff that comes into my head and don't ignore it but validate it. They validate me. They make me believe that I'm okay and it's okay and they aren't leaving.

They're going to stick with me. If I'm sad, they're strong. If I'm happy, they're overjoyed. And I return this emotional support without a second thought. 

Girls need friends. Because we bleed every month and that shit needs to be talked about. Because we think about the angle of our chin in that last selfie and need to take eight more - at least. Because we're scared walking home at night and they'll sit up on the phone with us until we get home. Because being a woman is a unique experience and it can be really hard. 

Having someone understand this fundamental part of you is important. They know how your brain works and tell you when it should be listened to and when it's messing with you. 

Good friends, great friends, are how I survive. I want a partner and you could say I'm out there looking for him but I need my bridesmaids first. I think right now, I need them even more. 

They text back and answer the phone. I can tell them when I just realized my shirt is on inside out. They'll look at seven pictures of essentially the same dress and actually pick one. Or they'll just talk to me. They'll listen. They'll stay up late and tell me I'm worth it. Tell me he's an idiot. Tell me my family isn't that crazy. 

Female friendships aren't always easy and they're rarely about clothes and make up. They take work because everything they do for me, every kind word and bright smile, every big hug and inappropriate conversation, every repeated story and piece of advice... it's all returned in full. They can be confusing and they can hurt. But they give me breath when breathing isn't easy. They give me an outlet and a safe place. They give me joy and comfort and confidence. 

I think without them, without each and every strong, bizarre, brilliant, stunning woman in my life - I'd be a little less okay. A little less me. A little less. 

"Turn Off Your Blinker"

I think commuting might be the universe's way of trying to keep us in our place.

Think about it. You have essentially no control over any aspect of it. It doesn't matter if you're driving or biking or taking the bus. I guess if you're walking you have some semblance of control, but not over the weather, which can easily add 5-10 minutes if you're walking through the aftermath of a snowstorm.

When I drove to work, I think that was the angriest I'd ever been in real life. If the person in front of me put on their turn signal, but then didn't turn or switch lanes, I didn't ignore it. I didn't think to myself "Huh, they must be listening to a really good song and not realize their blinker is on." Instead I would think "I am clearly driving behind the biggest fucking moron in the world, who is trying to attack me personally by not turning of their damn blinker."

That's obviously insane. Even if someone cuts you off, which does suck, they probably aren't trying to be malicious. Maybe they're late for something important. Or didn't realize they had to be in the right lane to turn. Maybe they're distracted or just having a bad day.

Maybe.

But even thinking about those people is making me mad. Because get your shit together, people. We're all on the road and we all have places to be but if you don't follow the rules and allow this damn zipper-effect-merge-situation thing to work, then all of society might as well give up now.

I wish there was a way to put a message above your car for the other drivers to see. Not to yell at them but to give some context for what you're doing. I won't lie, I've been in the wrong lane and then cut someone off and I wish I could throw up some kind of note that said "Really sorry about that! Late for an interview and honestly have no idea where I am - these roads are confusing."

I think that could help people calm down. I was at a rotary the other day and the person in front of me stopped completely and stayed stopped for at LEAST a minute (though I was enraged and it could have easily been 15 seconds). 

They had so many opportunities to get in there too. My first thought was that this idiot had never driven in a rotary before. But I even checked the license plate - Massachusetts, so there goes that excuse. Though if they could've given me more information, I might have been less tempted to lean on my horn and drive around them (which I did refrain from doing, by the way).

Perhaps they're a nervous driver. Or they were checking their GPS. Either way, I think if I could have known what they were doing and thought of them as a real person and not a black Camry-shaped obstacle, I would have been less annoyed.

The bus is better for me but also different. I know the bus drivers have a schedule keep, which they only kind of keep if we're all being honest, but can't they hang out for like... 30 seconds? I know the fact that I chase the bus four days out of the week is 90% my fault. BUT if the busses actually followed a schedule I could memorize, I wouldn't be in this position. Some days it's there at 6:45 but other days I get there at 6:40 and it doesn't show up until 6:55. How am I supposed to function in that anarchy?

It takes me roughly 12 minutes to get ready in the morning(this is real, you can time me), so the bus being irregular literally cuts into time I could be in bed. And I have a serious problem with that. But if you use public transportation, you're completely at it's mercy. My only request is that the bus drivers take a quick look in their mirrors to see if someone is running after them frantically with bags and hair flying every which way. That person might need to get on your bus and not wait for the next one (because you're wrong and it doesn't come by "every 7-10 minutes.")

I've only walked to one job. It was in college and it was across the street and I was never late. Unfortunately living in walking distance from your job is not a realistic thing for those of us working in cities we can't afford.

Conclusion here - commuting sucks. Get a podcast, make a mix, call your mom, or grab a book because it will be less than fun. Just remember everyone else is as annoyed as you are at the hour/traffic/that-one-guy-listening-to-music-so-loud-you-can-hear-it-through-his-headphones-and-or-windows.

But also, turn off your FREAKING blinker if you AREN'T CHANGING LANES OR TURNING. 

"But At What Cost"

Jogging is the worst. I mean running is actually the worst. But I'm not confident I've ever actually run before. Maybe for a minute. Back in 6th grade. When playing tag.

...

Even then it probably wasn't a full minute.

I just don't like it. Any part of it. Well that's not true, I like the feeling afterwards. Sort of. I usually kind of feel like I'm going to throw up.

I've just never hit a runner's high. I really don't even know what that means. Intellectually I do but not in any real way.

And I have tried to run. Or jog. I have. I've done the couch to 5k training thing many times. And it's great. Except by week 5 you're actually running for extended periods of time rather than jogging for 30 or 90 seconds. So at that point it's pretty terrible.

I did get to a point where I could run the whole 5k without completely wanting to die. Still never hit any kind of high though and it was still awful and I was also bored.

What are people thinking about when they run? Honestly. Is their mind really going blank? I'm legitimately only thinking about how I don't want to be running. I'm thinking that I wish I was walking but if I start walking then I'll have to start running again soon after that so I might as well just keep running. Except that solution means I never stop running so I'm still running and I'm kind of out of breath, which means I should focus on my breath but that's even less interesting than focusing on running itself.

You also have to run regularly to make any kind of progress. I understand that's a very obvious statement and can also be made for basically anything in life that you're trying to get better at but still. You have to run like every week because if you take time off then all of a sudden you can't run again and have to start all over.

Which you already don't want to do. Because running is the worst.

"I Wanted To Be A Fire Engine"

As a kid I didn't really think about work. I'm not sure I even thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up much.

When I was about two, I told my family I wanted to be a fire engine. Not even a firetruck. A fire engine. I don't know what I thought the distinction was but I knew what I wanted and what my plan was and no one, regardless of their logic, could change my mind.

At some point I must have realized this was impossible and smoothly transitioned to wanting to be a librarian. I don't know if that's something I really wanted or if it was just a profession I knew existed.

So many kids want to be doctors or lawyers or teachers because those are the jobs they know about. And that totally makes sense but most of us don't do those things. Obviously some people realize those dreams seeing as we have lots of doctors, lawyers, and teachers but most of us are doing something else.

It's not something bad. Or boring. (Well... it might be bad and/or boring.) I think usually it's fine. If you like your coworkers and you aren't dreading going there every day, you're actually in good shape.

Once I entered the work force, I had dreams beyond being a fire engine or a librarian. I wanted to be a writer. A television writer. I decided to shoot for the damn stars. 

I'm not a television writer. Not to say I couldn't have been or still couldn't be (actually, I think it's fairly safe to say I can't be). I went to LA where you're supposed to go for such things and I had some jobs. Receptionist, assistant... they were okay. Hard and long and tiring but okay. Yet until I was there, I don't think I knew what work even was.

Sure, my dad was getting up and going to an office everyday when I was growing up. I even went with him a couple of times. And I saw the offices and the cubicles - I knew there were meetings and phone calls. Though I mainly remember the food court and the TV someone found for me to watch.

When I was working in an office myself, I realized a few things:

1. There's a lot of time when you're not doing anything. It's not that there's nothing to do or that you're slacking off but there are just periods of time when you and everyone else are not being productive. I don't know if the days are too long or we need more work or built in breaks but either way, every office I've worked in has these long stretches of time where nothing is really happening but everyone is pretending to be busy. 

2. Good relationships with your coworkers are insanely important. I don't think I could name most of my friends' and family members' coworkers. Sure, you know the ones they work with closely and tell stories about but other than that, they all get mixed together in your head. Yet your own coworkers are actually the people you see more often than almost everybody else in your life. Being friends with them, or hell, even just getting along with them, is actually super important if you don't want to be miserable everyday. You rejoice with them and complain with them. You know about their roommate drama or their ongoing wedding plans. You know what their career goals are and where they want to buy a house. Yet you'll never meet their parents and might not even know their significant other. It's a bizarre relationship that can span years yet it's not really ever talked about. When I was picking a major, my mom told me to pay attention to whether or not I liked the people in my classes because those were the personality types you'd probably be around forever. That's the only time it ever came up and I think my mom is a genius because it turns out she was exactly right.

3. This shit can get monotonous. I like my job. A lot actually. But when adults are telling you about getting a job and you hear about the 9-5, no one mentions that it's often the exact same thing happening within that 9-5. This is obviously incredibly dependent on what your job is, but even when I've had jobs with projects and ever changing deadlines and meetings... it was still sort of the same. School was like that too I guess, you may have learned something different but you were still waking up at the same time, going to the same place, talking to the same people, and doing essentially the same thing. Now I'm not sure I'd actually like if every day was a surprise, in fact, I'd probably hate it. But the sameness came as a bit of a shock to me. It almost felt like college was a long prep course for sitting at a desk, staring at a computer, and getting really good at it.


This isn't meant to be negative. It's just interesting that so many of us go to school to get degrees to do hundreds of jobs that aren't really talked about until you're looking at job listings on LinkedIn and Indeed.

Most of us work for a paycheck and to have somewhere to go everyday and it's not the worst or the best but it's what we do, so we can go away for long weekends and get dinner with friends and save up vacation time to check out a new country.

So if this is you and you get up and go to an office where you chat with people about the last episode of Game of Thrones and do some work on the side while you climb the ladder so you can make more money every year and are pretty content even though most mornings you want to break your alarm until you get to work and see your favorite coworker in the kitchen... then embrace it. Maybe no one told us about this but here we are, among the masses, and I for one, don't hate it. I get a check, I learn some stuff, and the rest of my time is mine. Living the 9-5 life is like some sort of well kept secret that no one understands until they join the club. Well, here we are and I think I'm here to stay.

"We Could Be Missing Out"

So let's say it's Saturday night. Where are you?

On your couch? Someone else's couch? A bar? Your mom's kitchen? The office? The movies? Strolling aimlessly through a city? Alone? With friends? Coworkers? Family?

There are endless options. Options are good. And terrible. They're satisfying but overwhelming because options mean you have to choose and if you have to choose, you could make the wrong choice. For a Saturday night activity, how likely is it that you actually make some sort of detrimental decision? Rare. But doesn't it still feel like it could happen?

I'm going to be bold here and diagnose an entire generation, my own that is, with FOMO, and for those of you who don't know what that means (hi, mom and dad), it stands for Fear of Missing Out. And I think my generation has a serious, contagious case of it.

Maybe all young people do. Or maybe just all people do. I don't think social media has helped as it makes everything look very miss-out worthy. Every party looks hot and every bar looks happy. Every night-in looks cozy and every family gathering looks joyous. Are they? Maybe. Probably. But if that's true - you can't go wrong. And if it's not... well, you still can't go wrong.

So what are we afraid of missing out on? I don't really know. A good party? A great conversation? Finally flirting with THAT person? Your parent's home cooked meal? Some much needed sleep?

Anytime you're doing something, you're actively not doing something else. So if you stay in, you're not going out. But what if you should have gone out? Or should have stayed in?

You know what, let's also look at that word. Should. I feel like that word rules my life sometimes.

Should I go out? Should I stay in? Should I read? Should I watch TV? Should I call him? Should I text him? Should I not? 

There's no solid answer to any of those questions. Sometimes I think the general answer is to just go with your gut, follow what feels right to you. But there's something to be said for going out of your comfort zone too, which brings us right back to where we started.

I think the answer is no answer. There are a lot of Saturday nights. And sometimes the amazing things happen on a Wednesday. So go out. Stay in. Do both. Watch a movie then read a book. Play a game before heading for your run. Ignore should. 

Because there are and always will be a thousand options, and you know what? I think the real answer is that every one of them could be utterly perfect.

"But I Already Did Something Today"

On Wednesday, which was four days ago, I told myself that I'd try to either work out or write a blog post everyday, so at least I did one productive thing outside of just going to work. Technically it's passed midnight so I already didn't make it, but I figure as long as I post it before I go to bed, what difference does it really make?

That's not what this post is about though, well, not completely. It's about the follow through. On everything, because, why the fuck is it so hard? Or maybe that's just me, but I'll make a promise to myself to remember to floss every night or buy more shampoo or send a thank you card and then I just... don't.

And it's not like I'm that busy, I'm the normal amount of busy. Yes, I have to do laundry and make dinner and watch that one show and call my siblings, but I'm not running a company or raising a family or taking care of anyone but myself. I should be able to workout multiple times a week and make that doctor's appointment and get to the dentist every six months. 

But I can't. Or I don't. I do all these things eventually, sure. And sometimes on time. Sometimes early, but usually not. Usually I'm late and filling my gas tank after it's been beeping for 50 miles. 

There's always some character in movies that has a schedule. Perfectly timed down to the minute of when they brush their teeth and flatten their hair and stick the key in the ignition to get to work. Are those people real? And there people out there who actually move like clockwork and get everything done exactly when they say they will?

Because what I'm trying to say is that I want that. Or I think I do, but I can't want it that bad or it would be happening right? I mean these are literally tasks that only affect me. If I need to do something for someone else, I can knock it out and get it to them 15 minutes early, but somehow following through for me is harder. And it's not some dramatic thing where I don't think I deserve it blah blah blah, it's just that... I won't... I can't... I don't. I just don't do the thing. 

I don't clear off my desk or call the insurance company on time or pay my credit card bill early. I do however talk to my friend on the west coast for an hour and half and scroll through Instagram and binge watch three episodes on Netflix. I also go on a walk with my mom and bake a random batch of cookies. I'm not not doing anything, I'm just not doing the things I said I'd do. To myself. In my head.

I'm now starting to grow concerned this is making me seem like a crazy person, but I said I'd post or workout, and I didn't workout (if you'd like to hear my excuses for that I have a solid six of them). Maybe tomorrow. Or you'll see me back here.

"You Just Pick a Human"

If you're over the age of seven (or seventeen), you will understand this post. Well, if I'm a good enough writer and you actually make it to the end you will.

Have you tried making a new friend lately? I mean a NEW friend, like you didn't know they existed in this world and then you meet them at work or at a bar or at a yoga class and you're like "Oh my God, we need to be friends." 

And not because you think they'd be fun to party with or because you both have an older brother or because you're both new to the city, but because you feel like you get them and they get you. You want to be friends because you're pretty sure if you texted them about that cupcake you just ate, they'd react appropriately, whether that's by congratulating you or yelling at you really depends on the kind of person you are.

Plus you can tell you'll both laugh at the same videos of people falling down on YouTube and know when to talk and when to be quiet when watching the game. They want to stay in the same amount of time you do but also know when you both have to get off the fucking couch.

They're like soulmates in a completely non-romantic way.

Anyway, all this mushiness aside, even if you've found one of these people... how do you become friends? Really. I'm asking.



Because post-college, people have a lot of friends. They have friends from home and friends from school and friends from work. They possibly even hang out with their family and also have a significant other, so how exactly does one weasel their way in without coming off like and overexcited, lonely weirdo?

I'm a firm believer that everyone can benefit from new friends, they just don't want to work at it. Which is fair. Relationships can be hard... but also awesome.

And let's remember I'm keeping romance out of the equation so if you're straight and want to be just friends with someone of the opposite sex, firstly I only sort of believe you, and secondly, good luck.
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Somehow our society makes it hard to make new friends, and I'm hoping when I post this it turns out I'm not alone in this line of thinking. It's hard not to come off too strong but if you act like you don't care, they'll assume you don't care.

Don't even get me started on what to do if you want to be MORE than friends with someone because that's a whole can of worms I'm even further from understanding. By which I mean I have literally no idea how that process is supposed to work.

I guess the ultimate goal here, whether you're trying to make friends or date someone, you have to let them know that's what's happening. Because as amazing as this person is that you've found, they're probably not mind readers, so you'll have to help them out. And while saying, "I like you" is utterly terrifying and I'd rather just not say anything... except for then I don't have new friends or a date and that's not quite ideal.

SO... I guess I'll face my fears like Chandler there (who, spoiler alert, DOES ask out the girl and doesn't die), and actually try to make some friends even though there doesn't seem to be any kind of rule book for this, so I'll just have to wing it.

Wish me luck.