#I'mTooOldForThis

I went to a college party last weekend, and as I'm now a few years out of college, I felt pretty old. Not so much in the way that I thought I was smarter or more together or mature, but more in the way that Slap Cup is now called GTFO and the sight of a Beer Pong table makes me cringe rather than squeal.


It was fun, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed myself immensely and everyone was nice and funny and sweet, but I was also drinking out of a Solo cup because God forbid you spend those four years drinking out of anything else.


So I was standing there, drinking wine with a straw, and watching the graffitied folding table be set up for various drinking games having vivid flashbacks to only a few years earlier.

The people were different and the clothes were altered and I didn't know any of the music (though I didn't back in "my day" either), but the essence was the same. It's probably a combination of the fact that we've seen all the same movies, heard all the same stories from those who went before us, and we're just not that creative. 

I'm just going to go ahead and do this all in list formation because who doesn't like a good list full of nostalgia?

The Ten Unsaid Rules Of All [Most] College Parties

1. Someone is in charge of the music and they must take this task very seriously. If a song isn't working, they should probably abandon their post playing whichever game is currently taking over the room, and switch it mid song. The music is the mood and the mood is everything. (I have to say, this was usually me back in college because it seemed important and powerful and gave me something to do, so I could avoid being awkward)


2. You need to have a 30 rack of shitty beer. Shitty beer that no one likes, it's probably Natty Light or even PBR or possibly Bud Light. Either way, it's light and cheap and a requirement for all things drinking game. This probably is simply because it's cheap, I don't think there's more to it than that, but I have yet to attend a college party where the fridge isn't completely taken over by the mediocre beverage.

3. There's a goal. Every group always has a goal. Sometimes it's to hook up with someone, sometimes it's to dance to your favorite song, sometimes it's to make new friends with that group you keep seeing everywhere. It doesn't really matter what the goal is, just that there is one, so you and your friends can then speak in code right in the middle of the either too bright or too dark room.

4. There's always one guy taking the games too seriously - I mean fist bumping, trash talking, wall punching seriousness. You want to calm him down but you're both amused and scared, so you just let it go and hope he wins. Though his exuberance over that isn't much better. 

5. Each game is fun for roughly 37 seconds. You start Flip Cup and it's great and you're loving it except for then it sucks and you stop and play Kings, which is wonderful until it's boring so you start Beer Pong before realizing, oh yeah, now only four people are being entertained so you switch back to Flip Cup. The games may change but the nonstop rotation never will.

6. Changing locations does not work. It never has worked and it never will work. Do not try to move a drunken group of college students from one party to another or one bar to another or even one room to another. You will fail. It can't be done. The introduction of cell phones hasn't even helped up because drunken people's directions are like, "Yeah, I'm buy the thing. The tall thing. It's black. The top is really bright. Can't you see me? I see you! Wait, that's not you. Oh, I think this is a street light. Oh, hi Jen, how are-" and the line goes dead.

7. The boys don't want to dance. There's always a moment where the lights go off and the girls start dancing and the boys... sit down. The sit on chairs and couches or even the floor and watch. And why not, we're putting on a show, but seriously... get up. Get involved. It will only do you well to join in. Being able to or interested in dancing will not hurt you. You can even just sway slightly from side to side and you'll get major points. I promise.


8. The happy couple leaves early and gets shit for it. Though... everyone is actually just jealous because that's why we're putting up with everything else here. Even if you aren't secretly hoping to find the perfect someone, your still not hoping to go home alone, so you're jealous either way.

9. Food is the key to everything. Open up a bag of Cheetos and you will make  friends without even speaking. Just tilt the bag of food in a drunk college student's general direction and you'll be showered with compliments. Or show up with a pizza. Or break out the cookie dough. You will be rewarded.

10. There is always the moment when you're too drunk to go to bed but not dunk enough to rage, so you and your roommates lay/sit/slouch on whatever surface you run into first and recap the night you just had. You're literally laughing while you reminisce about retuning to your room, which JUST happened. But I agree, it was hilarious.

It may be just another coed hallway, another set of twinkly lights around the window, another American flag over the TV, another round of [enter drinking game here], or another session of "you hooked up or hooked up hooked up??" But it doesn't matter if it's all been done before because it's your turn now, kids. We'll see you on the other side.

"I Don't Even Have A Pla"

What I want to know is when exactly you feel like an adult and how do you know when it's no longer acceptable to let your parent's pick up the bill without at least offering to pay? When is it officially embarrassing that I like entertainment geared toward teenagers and am I supposed to understand insurance yet? Is it cool or pathetic to get drunk now and also am I too young to get married or too old to be single? Should I be thinking about kids or focusing on my career? 




Or wait... does it matter? Is the world changing? Can I just go with my gut on all this (except the insurance thing... I'm going to have to keep calling my dad on that one)? Are we in the generation of "to each his own"? Because that's all well and good and I guess thanks to the generations before me who paved the way and allowed me so many options. That was really great of you and I appreciate all your hard work, blood, sweat, tears and all, but also, and I'm sorry to say this, but screw you. Just a little.

Because what the fuck is the plan supposed to be now? I have no plan. And there's not even some cookie-cutter plan out there that I'm defying. There's just emptiness. Or a "world of opportunity." It really depends on what day you catch me.



Sometimes I'm thrilled with the vastness before me and other days it's terrifying. It's great that the world is my oyster except for, is it? It doesn't feel exactly like an oyster. Granted, I don't know where that expression came from or what an oyster is supposed to feel like, but most of the time it feels claustrophobic. I realize that's counterintuitive, but honestly having so many options is smothering some how.

There's a line I keep seeing about your twenties that says something like: I'm at an awkward age where half of my friends are getting married and having babies and the other half are too drunk to find their phone. 

My friends and I laugh and it's like, "Ha ha ha, it's funny because it's true!"

But is it true? I know some married people my age and they don't have kids. I also know some people with kids but they aren't married. I also know some drunk people but they're mostly brewing their own beer or trying to become wine experts... they also know exactly where their phones are because they're Instagramming the shit out of their alcohol.

So really I think most of us are somewhere in the middle of that ridiculous scale - too scared to walk into marriage and babies and houses and yard work but also not exactly up for throwing down like it's college. We're stuck in a limbo that we're told will end, but it doesn't just magically become clear does it?

You all tried to pull that one over us with college and I promise you it was fine but not the best years of my life nor did it help me realize what I wanted to do.

And now we're told to travel and experience and take risks except, um, WE HAVE NO MONEY. If you want to give me some money, I will gladly backpack around the world. Twice. But I need money so I need a job and then even if I have a job, I need vacation time, which I don't have because I'm "entry level" and you have to prove yourself or something.

Yet according to Facebook and Instagram everyone I've ever met in the last ten years is somehow going to Europe, loving their job, taking up marathoning, and planning a wedding. All at once. And with impeccable hair. 

I don't mean to complain. Well. That's a lie. I do MEAN to complain, but I know I shouldn't. I'm "lucky" and "it'll work out" and I'll "miss this one day". 

So fine, universe (and parents/teachers everywhere), I'll keep trying and enjoy this time of paralyzing confusion. I'll be responsible enough to save money while still experiencing the world. I'll party all night but never be late for work. I'll start a 401k and learn what exactly that is later. I'll try to be both young and old all at once and not worry if I'm doing it right... or if there is a "right".

I guess happiness is all we can run after. So if that means staying up until 2am binging Netflix and Chinese food - do it. If that means making a budget on Excel and then going to your weekly yoga class - do it. If that means hanging out with your family and watching the game on Sunday - do it. As Nike so brilliantly puts it, just do it.



Because I think the big secret here is that no one ever had a plan. They were just copying the people before them or doing as they were told. To a degree anyway. So we're basically pioneers.

No plan is the new plan. And if that's the case. I'm doing just fine.

"As Good As Skinny Feels"

So like all the other people, I'm trying to go on a diet. And by trying, I mean I'm thinking about it really really hard while I make a batch of chocolate chip cookies... that I will most likely consume all by myself.

It's actually astounding to me how difficult it is to just not eat something. I'll sit there at a party looking at the cheese and crackers and think to myself, "You don't really even like that kind of cheese, so if you eat it, you'll still be hungry and have wasted precious calories on that stupid cheese." Expect then I think, "What?" And it's mumbled, even in my head, because I've already eaten the cheese.

It's will power I guess, which I do have. I swear. I've been on diets, or as we're supposed to say, "changed my lifestyle" before. Which I guess IS what I've done. But I've changed my lifestyle... by going on a diet. So I mean, let's all just be honest about what's going on here. And it did work except for then all of a sudden I wasn't so much counting calories as not counting them and eating whatever I wanted. Which is actually a lie. I wasn't eating WHATEVER I wanted. There was so much stuff I wasn't eating or buying that I did want. So really, my lifestyle was still changed, you know, in the terms that I wasn't eating like a five-year-old with no supervision.

What really gets me, is that you're supposed to be eating healthier and exercising, but not paying attention to your weight. I mean your weight matters, but it's about how you FEEL. I get that I suppose, but is it really about how I feel? Because I FEEL fine, except that number is really pissing me off and you know, these jeans are sort of tight. So I'm going to eat less food and move more often in hopes that the number goes down, which I will only know by checking my weight. It's really hard to gauge it all otherwise. Don't lie and tell me any different.

I also always weigh myself in the morning because I'm told you're lighter then. So if I weigh myself at night, I'm like, "Well that's fine because you know, you can subtract like ten pounds basically..."

That's ABSURD. I know that. Scientifically, I understand that I'm not gaining ten pounds throughout the day and then losing it while I sleep. But it's the same thing at the doctor's office. They tell me  not to take off my shoes, and I'm like, "Listen, I'll keep them on, but then please subtract five pounds. These are some heavy ass shoes. Also, my jeans are like two pounds and this belt - another pound. And I have on a sweatshirt which is like carrying around another four pounds. So fine... I'll keep it all on but subtract at least twelve pounds. Thank you."

I do weird mental shit about food too. Like I know I shouldn't eat this cookie, but also I walked a lot today. Like more than your average walk, because I parked clear on the other side of the parking lot. That's about fifteen extra steps which I'm sure burns about 70 calories, so you know... this cookie doesn't count essentially. It's like I'm eating air. Healthy air even. This cookie has raisins and oats in it! But then... you realize raisins and oats aren't even considered healthy anymore. No one eats oats and brags about it. 

You aren't even supposed to get multigrain bread now, you're just supposed to skip bread and wrap your sandwich up in lettuce because yeah, THAT'S THE SAME. And raisins - do you want to just gouge yourself on sugar? ...I mean, yes sort of, but if that's what I'm doing with these ridiculous raisins, then get at me, milky way, because these shriveled up dried grapes are not worth it.

Have you heard about those people who don't like to eat? They have to set alarms on their phones to remind themselves to have meals. I completely understand that this is a health issue and very serious, so in no way I'm I dismissing this disorder, but it's so far from any problem I have ever or will ever have that I just don't get it... like you're sitting still and watching TV and it hadn't crossed your mind that it would be better with popcorn? And some form of chocolate? And probably a beverage? I'm not following.

The worst part is when you know you have to change something. You can't just eat half a pan of cornbread and pretend that you're doing it right. And you've done it before. It's not impossible to turn down appetizers, have only one serving at dinner, and skip dessert. It's not. It sounds like something only insane people do, but those are just other people who are also trying to be healthier. You all do it so you don't wince when you look in the mirror... so you feel better both physically and mentally. Body image is a real thing and for the most part, something we can control. 

Hmm.

Ugh.

...Okay, FINE. I'll try again. Like try try. Not just talk about super foods and then eat chips. I'll eat vegetables, even green ones (but real talk for a second, where do people get off trying to tell us some vegetables are healthier than others - I'm eating a carrot, okay, just shut up for a second about your stupid ass kale), and fruit (again, they're like yes, eat fruit, but not too much fruit - there's a lot of sugar in fruit... um well there's a lot more in the starburst I'm pretending this orange is so relax).

Here I go again. See you on the other side, where I'll laugh and say, "It's not THAT hard, don't think of it as a diet, think of it as just changing your lifestyle."