"As Good As Skinny Feels"

So like all the other people, I'm trying to go on a diet. And by trying, I mean I'm thinking about it really really hard while I make a batch of chocolate chip cookies... that I will most likely consume all by myself.

It's actually astounding to me how difficult it is to just not eat something. I'll sit there at a party looking at the cheese and crackers and think to myself, "You don't really even like that kind of cheese, so if you eat it, you'll still be hungry and have wasted precious calories on that stupid cheese." Expect then I think, "What?" And it's mumbled, even in my head, because I've already eaten the cheese.

It's will power I guess, which I do have. I swear. I've been on diets, or as we're supposed to say, "changed my lifestyle" before. Which I guess IS what I've done. But I've changed my lifestyle... by going on a diet. So I mean, let's all just be honest about what's going on here. And it did work except for then all of a sudden I wasn't so much counting calories as not counting them and eating whatever I wanted. Which is actually a lie. I wasn't eating WHATEVER I wanted. There was so much stuff I wasn't eating or buying that I did want. So really, my lifestyle was still changed, you know, in the terms that I wasn't eating like a five-year-old with no supervision.

What really gets me, is that you're supposed to be eating healthier and exercising, but not paying attention to your weight. I mean your weight matters, but it's about how you FEEL. I get that I suppose, but is it really about how I feel? Because I FEEL fine, except that number is really pissing me off and you know, these jeans are sort of tight. So I'm going to eat less food and move more often in hopes that the number goes down, which I will only know by checking my weight. It's really hard to gauge it all otherwise. Don't lie and tell me any different.

I also always weigh myself in the morning because I'm told you're lighter then. So if I weigh myself at night, I'm like, "Well that's fine because you know, you can subtract like ten pounds basically..."

That's ABSURD. I know that. Scientifically, I understand that I'm not gaining ten pounds throughout the day and then losing it while I sleep. But it's the same thing at the doctor's office. They tell me  not to take off my shoes, and I'm like, "Listen, I'll keep them on, but then please subtract five pounds. These are some heavy ass shoes. Also, my jeans are like two pounds and this belt - another pound. And I have on a sweatshirt which is like carrying around another four pounds. So fine... I'll keep it all on but subtract at least twelve pounds. Thank you."

I do weird mental shit about food too. Like I know I shouldn't eat this cookie, but also I walked a lot today. Like more than your average walk, because I parked clear on the other side of the parking lot. That's about fifteen extra steps which I'm sure burns about 70 calories, so you know... this cookie doesn't count essentially. It's like I'm eating air. Healthy air even. This cookie has raisins and oats in it! But then... you realize raisins and oats aren't even considered healthy anymore. No one eats oats and brags about it. 

You aren't even supposed to get multigrain bread now, you're just supposed to skip bread and wrap your sandwich up in lettuce because yeah, THAT'S THE SAME. And raisins - do you want to just gouge yourself on sugar? ...I mean, yes sort of, but if that's what I'm doing with these ridiculous raisins, then get at me, milky way, because these shriveled up dried grapes are not worth it.

Have you heard about those people who don't like to eat? They have to set alarms on their phones to remind themselves to have meals. I completely understand that this is a health issue and very serious, so in no way I'm I dismissing this disorder, but it's so far from any problem I have ever or will ever have that I just don't get it... like you're sitting still and watching TV and it hadn't crossed your mind that it would be better with popcorn? And some form of chocolate? And probably a beverage? I'm not following.

The worst part is when you know you have to change something. You can't just eat half a pan of cornbread and pretend that you're doing it right. And you've done it before. It's not impossible to turn down appetizers, have only one serving at dinner, and skip dessert. It's not. It sounds like something only insane people do, but those are just other people who are also trying to be healthier. You all do it so you don't wince when you look in the mirror... so you feel better both physically and mentally. Body image is a real thing and for the most part, something we can control. 

Hmm.

Ugh.

...Okay, FINE. I'll try again. Like try try. Not just talk about super foods and then eat chips. I'll eat vegetables, even green ones (but real talk for a second, where do people get off trying to tell us some vegetables are healthier than others - I'm eating a carrot, okay, just shut up for a second about your stupid ass kale), and fruit (again, they're like yes, eat fruit, but not too much fruit - there's a lot of sugar in fruit... um well there's a lot more in the starburst I'm pretending this orange is so relax).

Here I go again. See you on the other side, where I'll laugh and say, "It's not THAT hard, don't think of it as a diet, think of it as just changing your lifestyle."