#I'mTooOldForThis

I went to a college party last weekend, and as I'm now a few years out of college, I felt pretty old. Not so much in the way that I thought I was smarter or more together or mature, but more in the way that Slap Cup is now called GTFO and the sight of a Beer Pong table makes me cringe rather than squeal.


It was fun, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed myself immensely and everyone was nice and funny and sweet, but I was also drinking out of a Solo cup because God forbid you spend those four years drinking out of anything else.


So I was standing there, drinking wine with a straw, and watching the graffitied folding table be set up for various drinking games having vivid flashbacks to only a few years earlier.

The people were different and the clothes were altered and I didn't know any of the music (though I didn't back in "my day" either), but the essence was the same. It's probably a combination of the fact that we've seen all the same movies, heard all the same stories from those who went before us, and we're just not that creative. 

I'm just going to go ahead and do this all in list formation because who doesn't like a good list full of nostalgia?

The Ten Unsaid Rules Of All [Most] College Parties

1. Someone is in charge of the music and they must take this task very seriously. If a song isn't working, they should probably abandon their post playing whichever game is currently taking over the room, and switch it mid song. The music is the mood and the mood is everything. (I have to say, this was usually me back in college because it seemed important and powerful and gave me something to do, so I could avoid being awkward)


2. You need to have a 30 rack of shitty beer. Shitty beer that no one likes, it's probably Natty Light or even PBR or possibly Bud Light. Either way, it's light and cheap and a requirement for all things drinking game. This probably is simply because it's cheap, I don't think there's more to it than that, but I have yet to attend a college party where the fridge isn't completely taken over by the mediocre beverage.

3. There's a goal. Every group always has a goal. Sometimes it's to hook up with someone, sometimes it's to dance to your favorite song, sometimes it's to make new friends with that group you keep seeing everywhere. It doesn't really matter what the goal is, just that there is one, so you and your friends can then speak in code right in the middle of the either too bright or too dark room.

4. There's always one guy taking the games too seriously - I mean fist bumping, trash talking, wall punching seriousness. You want to calm him down but you're both amused and scared, so you just let it go and hope he wins. Though his exuberance over that isn't much better. 

5. Each game is fun for roughly 37 seconds. You start Flip Cup and it's great and you're loving it except for then it sucks and you stop and play Kings, which is wonderful until it's boring so you start Beer Pong before realizing, oh yeah, now only four people are being entertained so you switch back to Flip Cup. The games may change but the nonstop rotation never will.

6. Changing locations does not work. It never has worked and it never will work. Do not try to move a drunken group of college students from one party to another or one bar to another or even one room to another. You will fail. It can't be done. The introduction of cell phones hasn't even helped up because drunken people's directions are like, "Yeah, I'm buy the thing. The tall thing. It's black. The top is really bright. Can't you see me? I see you! Wait, that's not you. Oh, I think this is a street light. Oh, hi Jen, how are-" and the line goes dead.

7. The boys don't want to dance. There's always a moment where the lights go off and the girls start dancing and the boys... sit down. The sit on chairs and couches or even the floor and watch. And why not, we're putting on a show, but seriously... get up. Get involved. It will only do you well to join in. Being able to or interested in dancing will not hurt you. You can even just sway slightly from side to side and you'll get major points. I promise.


8. The happy couple leaves early and gets shit for it. Though... everyone is actually just jealous because that's why we're putting up with everything else here. Even if you aren't secretly hoping to find the perfect someone, your still not hoping to go home alone, so you're jealous either way.

9. Food is the key to everything. Open up a bag of Cheetos and you will make  friends without even speaking. Just tilt the bag of food in a drunk college student's general direction and you'll be showered with compliments. Or show up with a pizza. Or break out the cookie dough. You will be rewarded.

10. There is always the moment when you're too drunk to go to bed but not dunk enough to rage, so you and your roommates lay/sit/slouch on whatever surface you run into first and recap the night you just had. You're literally laughing while you reminisce about retuning to your room, which JUST happened. But I agree, it was hilarious.

It may be just another coed hallway, another set of twinkly lights around the window, another American flag over the TV, another round of [enter drinking game here], or another session of "you hooked up or hooked up hooked up??" But it doesn't matter if it's all been done before because it's your turn now, kids. We'll see you on the other side.