"I Wanted To Be A Fire Engine"

As a kid I didn't really think about work. I'm not sure I even thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up much.

When I was about two, I told my family I wanted to be a fire engine. Not even a firetruck. A fire engine. I don't know what I thought the distinction was but I knew what I wanted and what my plan was and no one, regardless of their logic, could change my mind.

At some point I must have realized this was impossible and smoothly transitioned to wanting to be a librarian. I don't know if that's something I really wanted or if it was just a profession I knew existed.

So many kids want to be doctors or lawyers or teachers because those are the jobs they know about. And that totally makes sense but most of us don't do those things. Obviously some people realize those dreams seeing as we have lots of doctors, lawyers, and teachers but most of us are doing something else.

It's not something bad. Or boring. (Well... it might be bad and/or boring.) I think usually it's fine. If you like your coworkers and you aren't dreading going there every day, you're actually in good shape.

Once I entered the work force, I had dreams beyond being a fire engine or a librarian. I wanted to be a writer. A television writer. I decided to shoot for the damn stars. 

I'm not a television writer. Not to say I couldn't have been or still couldn't be (actually, I think it's fairly safe to say I can't be). I went to LA where you're supposed to go for such things and I had some jobs. Receptionist, assistant... they were okay. Hard and long and tiring but okay. Yet until I was there, I don't think I knew what work even was.

Sure, my dad was getting up and going to an office everyday when I was growing up. I even went with him a couple of times. And I saw the offices and the cubicles - I knew there were meetings and phone calls. Though I mainly remember the food court and the TV someone found for me to watch.

When I was working in an office myself, I realized a few things:

1. There's a lot of time when you're not doing anything. It's not that there's nothing to do or that you're slacking off but there are just periods of time when you and everyone else are not being productive. I don't know if the days are too long or we need more work or built in breaks but either way, every office I've worked in has these long stretches of time where nothing is really happening but everyone is pretending to be busy. 

2. Good relationships with your coworkers are insanely important. I don't think I could name most of my friends' and family members' coworkers. Sure, you know the ones they work with closely and tell stories about but other than that, they all get mixed together in your head. Yet your own coworkers are actually the people you see more often than almost everybody else in your life. Being friends with them, or hell, even just getting along with them, is actually super important if you don't want to be miserable everyday. You rejoice with them and complain with them. You know about their roommate drama or their ongoing wedding plans. You know what their career goals are and where they want to buy a house. Yet you'll never meet their parents and might not even know their significant other. It's a bizarre relationship that can span years yet it's not really ever talked about. When I was picking a major, my mom told me to pay attention to whether or not I liked the people in my classes because those were the personality types you'd probably be around forever. That's the only time it ever came up and I think my mom is a genius because it turns out she was exactly right.

3. This shit can get monotonous. I like my job. A lot actually. But when adults are telling you about getting a job and you hear about the 9-5, no one mentions that it's often the exact same thing happening within that 9-5. This is obviously incredibly dependent on what your job is, but even when I've had jobs with projects and ever changing deadlines and meetings... it was still sort of the same. School was like that too I guess, you may have learned something different but you were still waking up at the same time, going to the same place, talking to the same people, and doing essentially the same thing. Now I'm not sure I'd actually like if every day was a surprise, in fact, I'd probably hate it. But the sameness came as a bit of a shock to me. It almost felt like college was a long prep course for sitting at a desk, staring at a computer, and getting really good at it.


This isn't meant to be negative. It's just interesting that so many of us go to school to get degrees to do hundreds of jobs that aren't really talked about until you're looking at job listings on LinkedIn and Indeed.

Most of us work for a paycheck and to have somewhere to go everyday and it's not the worst or the best but it's what we do, so we can go away for long weekends and get dinner with friends and save up vacation time to check out a new country.

So if this is you and you get up and go to an office where you chat with people about the last episode of Game of Thrones and do some work on the side while you climb the ladder so you can make more money every year and are pretty content even though most mornings you want to break your alarm until you get to work and see your favorite coworker in the kitchen... then embrace it. Maybe no one told us about this but here we are, among the masses, and I for one, don't hate it. I get a check, I learn some stuff, and the rest of my time is mine. Living the 9-5 life is like some sort of well kept secret that no one understands until they join the club. Well, here we are and I think I'm here to stay.

"We Could Be Missing Out"

So let's say it's Saturday night. Where are you?

On your couch? Someone else's couch? A bar? Your mom's kitchen? The office? The movies? Strolling aimlessly through a city? Alone? With friends? Coworkers? Family?

There are endless options. Options are good. And terrible. They're satisfying but overwhelming because options mean you have to choose and if you have to choose, you could make the wrong choice. For a Saturday night activity, how likely is it that you actually make some sort of detrimental decision? Rare. But doesn't it still feel like it could happen?

I'm going to be bold here and diagnose an entire generation, my own that is, with FOMO, and for those of you who don't know what that means (hi, mom and dad), it stands for Fear of Missing Out. And I think my generation has a serious, contagious case of it.

Maybe all young people do. Or maybe just all people do. I don't think social media has helped as it makes everything look very miss-out worthy. Every party looks hot and every bar looks happy. Every night-in looks cozy and every family gathering looks joyous. Are they? Maybe. Probably. But if that's true - you can't go wrong. And if it's not... well, you still can't go wrong.

So what are we afraid of missing out on? I don't really know. A good party? A great conversation? Finally flirting with THAT person? Your parent's home cooked meal? Some much needed sleep?

Anytime you're doing something, you're actively not doing something else. So if you stay in, you're not going out. But what if you should have gone out? Or should have stayed in?

You know what, let's also look at that word. Should. I feel like that word rules my life sometimes.

Should I go out? Should I stay in? Should I read? Should I watch TV? Should I call him? Should I text him? Should I not? 

There's no solid answer to any of those questions. Sometimes I think the general answer is to just go with your gut, follow what feels right to you. But there's something to be said for going out of your comfort zone too, which brings us right back to where we started.

I think the answer is no answer. There are a lot of Saturday nights. And sometimes the amazing things happen on a Wednesday. So go out. Stay in. Do both. Watch a movie then read a book. Play a game before heading for your run. Ignore should. 

Because there are and always will be a thousand options, and you know what? I think the real answer is that every one of them could be utterly perfect.

"But I Already Did Something Today"

On Wednesday, which was four days ago, I told myself that I'd try to either work out or write a blog post everyday, so at least I did one productive thing outside of just going to work. Technically it's passed midnight so I already didn't make it, but I figure as long as I post it before I go to bed, what difference does it really make?

That's not what this post is about though, well, not completely. It's about the follow through. On everything, because, why the fuck is it so hard? Or maybe that's just me, but I'll make a promise to myself to remember to floss every night or buy more shampoo or send a thank you card and then I just... don't.

And it's not like I'm that busy, I'm the normal amount of busy. Yes, I have to do laundry and make dinner and watch that one show and call my siblings, but I'm not running a company or raising a family or taking care of anyone but myself. I should be able to workout multiple times a week and make that doctor's appointment and get to the dentist every six months. 

But I can't. Or I don't. I do all these things eventually, sure. And sometimes on time. Sometimes early, but usually not. Usually I'm late and filling my gas tank after it's been beeping for 50 miles. 

There's always some character in movies that has a schedule. Perfectly timed down to the minute of when they brush their teeth and flatten their hair and stick the key in the ignition to get to work. Are those people real? And there people out there who actually move like clockwork and get everything done exactly when they say they will?

Because what I'm trying to say is that I want that. Or I think I do, but I can't want it that bad or it would be happening right? I mean these are literally tasks that only affect me. If I need to do something for someone else, I can knock it out and get it to them 15 minutes early, but somehow following through for me is harder. And it's not some dramatic thing where I don't think I deserve it blah blah blah, it's just that... I won't... I can't... I don't. I just don't do the thing. 

I don't clear off my desk or call the insurance company on time or pay my credit card bill early. I do however talk to my friend on the west coast for an hour and half and scroll through Instagram and binge watch three episodes on Netflix. I also go on a walk with my mom and bake a random batch of cookies. I'm not not doing anything, I'm just not doing the things I said I'd do. To myself. In my head.

I'm now starting to grow concerned this is making me seem like a crazy person, but I said I'd post or workout, and I didn't workout (if you'd like to hear my excuses for that I have a solid six of them). Maybe tomorrow. Or you'll see me back here.

"You Just Pick a Human"

If you're over the age of seven (or seventeen), you will understand this post. Well, if I'm a good enough writer and you actually make it to the end you will.

Have you tried making a new friend lately? I mean a NEW friend, like you didn't know they existed in this world and then you meet them at work or at a bar or at a yoga class and you're like "Oh my God, we need to be friends." 

And not because you think they'd be fun to party with or because you both have an older brother or because you're both new to the city, but because you feel like you get them and they get you. You want to be friends because you're pretty sure if you texted them about that cupcake you just ate, they'd react appropriately, whether that's by congratulating you or yelling at you really depends on the kind of person you are.

Plus you can tell you'll both laugh at the same videos of people falling down on YouTube and know when to talk and when to be quiet when watching the game. They want to stay in the same amount of time you do but also know when you both have to get off the fucking couch.

They're like soulmates in a completely non-romantic way.

Anyway, all this mushiness aside, even if you've found one of these people... how do you become friends? Really. I'm asking.



Because post-college, people have a lot of friends. They have friends from home and friends from school and friends from work. They possibly even hang out with their family and also have a significant other, so how exactly does one weasel their way in without coming off like and overexcited, lonely weirdo?

I'm a firm believer that everyone can benefit from new friends, they just don't want to work at it. Which is fair. Relationships can be hard... but also awesome.

And let's remember I'm keeping romance out of the equation so if you're straight and want to be just friends with someone of the opposite sex, firstly I only sort of believe you, and secondly, good luck.
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Somehow our society makes it hard to make new friends, and I'm hoping when I post this it turns out I'm not alone in this line of thinking. It's hard not to come off too strong but if you act like you don't care, they'll assume you don't care.

Don't even get me started on what to do if you want to be MORE than friends with someone because that's a whole can of worms I'm even further from understanding. By which I mean I have literally no idea how that process is supposed to work.

I guess the ultimate goal here, whether you're trying to make friends or date someone, you have to let them know that's what's happening. Because as amazing as this person is that you've found, they're probably not mind readers, so you'll have to help them out. And while saying, "I like you" is utterly terrifying and I'd rather just not say anything... except for then I don't have new friends or a date and that's not quite ideal.

SO... I guess I'll face my fears like Chandler there (who, spoiler alert, DOES ask out the girl and doesn't die), and actually try to make some friends even though there doesn't seem to be any kind of rule book for this, so I'll just have to wing it.

Wish me luck.

#I'mTooOldForThis

I went to a college party last weekend, and as I'm now a few years out of college, I felt pretty old. Not so much in the way that I thought I was smarter or more together or mature, but more in the way that Slap Cup is now called GTFO and the sight of a Beer Pong table makes me cringe rather than squeal.


It was fun, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed myself immensely and everyone was nice and funny and sweet, but I was also drinking out of a Solo cup because God forbid you spend those four years drinking out of anything else.


So I was standing there, drinking wine with a straw, and watching the graffitied folding table be set up for various drinking games having vivid flashbacks to only a few years earlier.

The people were different and the clothes were altered and I didn't know any of the music (though I didn't back in "my day" either), but the essence was the same. It's probably a combination of the fact that we've seen all the same movies, heard all the same stories from those who went before us, and we're just not that creative. 

I'm just going to go ahead and do this all in list formation because who doesn't like a good list full of nostalgia?

The Ten Unsaid Rules Of All [Most] College Parties

1. Someone is in charge of the music and they must take this task very seriously. If a song isn't working, they should probably abandon their post playing whichever game is currently taking over the room, and switch it mid song. The music is the mood and the mood is everything. (I have to say, this was usually me back in college because it seemed important and powerful and gave me something to do, so I could avoid being awkward)


2. You need to have a 30 rack of shitty beer. Shitty beer that no one likes, it's probably Natty Light or even PBR or possibly Bud Light. Either way, it's light and cheap and a requirement for all things drinking game. This probably is simply because it's cheap, I don't think there's more to it than that, but I have yet to attend a college party where the fridge isn't completely taken over by the mediocre beverage.

3. There's a goal. Every group always has a goal. Sometimes it's to hook up with someone, sometimes it's to dance to your favorite song, sometimes it's to make new friends with that group you keep seeing everywhere. It doesn't really matter what the goal is, just that there is one, so you and your friends can then speak in code right in the middle of the either too bright or too dark room.

4. There's always one guy taking the games too seriously - I mean fist bumping, trash talking, wall punching seriousness. You want to calm him down but you're both amused and scared, so you just let it go and hope he wins. Though his exuberance over that isn't much better. 

5. Each game is fun for roughly 37 seconds. You start Flip Cup and it's great and you're loving it except for then it sucks and you stop and play Kings, which is wonderful until it's boring so you start Beer Pong before realizing, oh yeah, now only four people are being entertained so you switch back to Flip Cup. The games may change but the nonstop rotation never will.

6. Changing locations does not work. It never has worked and it never will work. Do not try to move a drunken group of college students from one party to another or one bar to another or even one room to another. You will fail. It can't be done. The introduction of cell phones hasn't even helped up because drunken people's directions are like, "Yeah, I'm buy the thing. The tall thing. It's black. The top is really bright. Can't you see me? I see you! Wait, that's not you. Oh, I think this is a street light. Oh, hi Jen, how are-" and the line goes dead.

7. The boys don't want to dance. There's always a moment where the lights go off and the girls start dancing and the boys... sit down. The sit on chairs and couches or even the floor and watch. And why not, we're putting on a show, but seriously... get up. Get involved. It will only do you well to join in. Being able to or interested in dancing will not hurt you. You can even just sway slightly from side to side and you'll get major points. I promise.


8. The happy couple leaves early and gets shit for it. Though... everyone is actually just jealous because that's why we're putting up with everything else here. Even if you aren't secretly hoping to find the perfect someone, your still not hoping to go home alone, so you're jealous either way.

9. Food is the key to everything. Open up a bag of Cheetos and you will make  friends without even speaking. Just tilt the bag of food in a drunk college student's general direction and you'll be showered with compliments. Or show up with a pizza. Or break out the cookie dough. You will be rewarded.

10. There is always the moment when you're too drunk to go to bed but not dunk enough to rage, so you and your roommates lay/sit/slouch on whatever surface you run into first and recap the night you just had. You're literally laughing while you reminisce about retuning to your room, which JUST happened. But I agree, it was hilarious.

It may be just another coed hallway, another set of twinkly lights around the window, another American flag over the TV, another round of [enter drinking game here], or another session of "you hooked up or hooked up hooked up??" But it doesn't matter if it's all been done before because it's your turn now, kids. We'll see you on the other side.

"I Don't Even Have A Pla"

What I want to know is when exactly you feel like an adult and how do you know when it's no longer acceptable to let your parent's pick up the bill without at least offering to pay? When is it officially embarrassing that I like entertainment geared toward teenagers and am I supposed to understand insurance yet? Is it cool or pathetic to get drunk now and also am I too young to get married or too old to be single? Should I be thinking about kids or focusing on my career? 




Or wait... does it matter? Is the world changing? Can I just go with my gut on all this (except the insurance thing... I'm going to have to keep calling my dad on that one)? Are we in the generation of "to each his own"? Because that's all well and good and I guess thanks to the generations before me who paved the way and allowed me so many options. That was really great of you and I appreciate all your hard work, blood, sweat, tears and all, but also, and I'm sorry to say this, but screw you. Just a little.

Because what the fuck is the plan supposed to be now? I have no plan. And there's not even some cookie-cutter plan out there that I'm defying. There's just emptiness. Or a "world of opportunity." It really depends on what day you catch me.



Sometimes I'm thrilled with the vastness before me and other days it's terrifying. It's great that the world is my oyster except for, is it? It doesn't feel exactly like an oyster. Granted, I don't know where that expression came from or what an oyster is supposed to feel like, but most of the time it feels claustrophobic. I realize that's counterintuitive, but honestly having so many options is smothering some how.

There's a line I keep seeing about your twenties that says something like: I'm at an awkward age where half of my friends are getting married and having babies and the other half are too drunk to find their phone. 

My friends and I laugh and it's like, "Ha ha ha, it's funny because it's true!"

But is it true? I know some married people my age and they don't have kids. I also know some people with kids but they aren't married. I also know some drunk people but they're mostly brewing their own beer or trying to become wine experts... they also know exactly where their phones are because they're Instagramming the shit out of their alcohol.

So really I think most of us are somewhere in the middle of that ridiculous scale - too scared to walk into marriage and babies and houses and yard work but also not exactly up for throwing down like it's college. We're stuck in a limbo that we're told will end, but it doesn't just magically become clear does it?

You all tried to pull that one over us with college and I promise you it was fine but not the best years of my life nor did it help me realize what I wanted to do.

And now we're told to travel and experience and take risks except, um, WE HAVE NO MONEY. If you want to give me some money, I will gladly backpack around the world. Twice. But I need money so I need a job and then even if I have a job, I need vacation time, which I don't have because I'm "entry level" and you have to prove yourself or something.

Yet according to Facebook and Instagram everyone I've ever met in the last ten years is somehow going to Europe, loving their job, taking up marathoning, and planning a wedding. All at once. And with impeccable hair. 

I don't mean to complain. Well. That's a lie. I do MEAN to complain, but I know I shouldn't. I'm "lucky" and "it'll work out" and I'll "miss this one day". 

So fine, universe (and parents/teachers everywhere), I'll keep trying and enjoy this time of paralyzing confusion. I'll be responsible enough to save money while still experiencing the world. I'll party all night but never be late for work. I'll start a 401k and learn what exactly that is later. I'll try to be both young and old all at once and not worry if I'm doing it right... or if there is a "right".

I guess happiness is all we can run after. So if that means staying up until 2am binging Netflix and Chinese food - do it. If that means making a budget on Excel and then going to your weekly yoga class - do it. If that means hanging out with your family and watching the game on Sunday - do it. As Nike so brilliantly puts it, just do it.



Because I think the big secret here is that no one ever had a plan. They were just copying the people before them or doing as they were told. To a degree anyway. So we're basically pioneers.

No plan is the new plan. And if that's the case. I'm doing just fine.

"As Good As Skinny Feels"

So like all the other people, I'm trying to go on a diet. And by trying, I mean I'm thinking about it really really hard while I make a batch of chocolate chip cookies... that I will most likely consume all by myself.

It's actually astounding to me how difficult it is to just not eat something. I'll sit there at a party looking at the cheese and crackers and think to myself, "You don't really even like that kind of cheese, so if you eat it, you'll still be hungry and have wasted precious calories on that stupid cheese." Expect then I think, "What?" And it's mumbled, even in my head, because I've already eaten the cheese.

It's will power I guess, which I do have. I swear. I've been on diets, or as we're supposed to say, "changed my lifestyle" before. Which I guess IS what I've done. But I've changed my lifestyle... by going on a diet. So I mean, let's all just be honest about what's going on here. And it did work except for then all of a sudden I wasn't so much counting calories as not counting them and eating whatever I wanted. Which is actually a lie. I wasn't eating WHATEVER I wanted. There was so much stuff I wasn't eating or buying that I did want. So really, my lifestyle was still changed, you know, in the terms that I wasn't eating like a five-year-old with no supervision.

What really gets me, is that you're supposed to be eating healthier and exercising, but not paying attention to your weight. I mean your weight matters, but it's about how you FEEL. I get that I suppose, but is it really about how I feel? Because I FEEL fine, except that number is really pissing me off and you know, these jeans are sort of tight. So I'm going to eat less food and move more often in hopes that the number goes down, which I will only know by checking my weight. It's really hard to gauge it all otherwise. Don't lie and tell me any different.

I also always weigh myself in the morning because I'm told you're lighter then. So if I weigh myself at night, I'm like, "Well that's fine because you know, you can subtract like ten pounds basically..."

That's ABSURD. I know that. Scientifically, I understand that I'm not gaining ten pounds throughout the day and then losing it while I sleep. But it's the same thing at the doctor's office. They tell me  not to take off my shoes, and I'm like, "Listen, I'll keep them on, but then please subtract five pounds. These are some heavy ass shoes. Also, my jeans are like two pounds and this belt - another pound. And I have on a sweatshirt which is like carrying around another four pounds. So fine... I'll keep it all on but subtract at least twelve pounds. Thank you."

I do weird mental shit about food too. Like I know I shouldn't eat this cookie, but also I walked a lot today. Like more than your average walk, because I parked clear on the other side of the parking lot. That's about fifteen extra steps which I'm sure burns about 70 calories, so you know... this cookie doesn't count essentially. It's like I'm eating air. Healthy air even. This cookie has raisins and oats in it! But then... you realize raisins and oats aren't even considered healthy anymore. No one eats oats and brags about it. 

You aren't even supposed to get multigrain bread now, you're just supposed to skip bread and wrap your sandwich up in lettuce because yeah, THAT'S THE SAME. And raisins - do you want to just gouge yourself on sugar? ...I mean, yes sort of, but if that's what I'm doing with these ridiculous raisins, then get at me, milky way, because these shriveled up dried grapes are not worth it.

Have you heard about those people who don't like to eat? They have to set alarms on their phones to remind themselves to have meals. I completely understand that this is a health issue and very serious, so in no way I'm I dismissing this disorder, but it's so far from any problem I have ever or will ever have that I just don't get it... like you're sitting still and watching TV and it hadn't crossed your mind that it would be better with popcorn? And some form of chocolate? And probably a beverage? I'm not following.

The worst part is when you know you have to change something. You can't just eat half a pan of cornbread and pretend that you're doing it right. And you've done it before. It's not impossible to turn down appetizers, have only one serving at dinner, and skip dessert. It's not. It sounds like something only insane people do, but those are just other people who are also trying to be healthier. You all do it so you don't wince when you look in the mirror... so you feel better both physically and mentally. Body image is a real thing and for the most part, something we can control. 

Hmm.

Ugh.

...Okay, FINE. I'll try again. Like try try. Not just talk about super foods and then eat chips. I'll eat vegetables, even green ones (but real talk for a second, where do people get off trying to tell us some vegetables are healthier than others - I'm eating a carrot, okay, just shut up for a second about your stupid ass kale), and fruit (again, they're like yes, eat fruit, but not too much fruit - there's a lot of sugar in fruit... um well there's a lot more in the starburst I'm pretending this orange is so relax).

Here I go again. See you on the other side, where I'll laugh and say, "It's not THAT hard, don't think of it as a diet, think of it as just changing your lifestyle."