"But I Already Did Something Today"

On Wednesday, which was four days ago, I told myself that I'd try to either work out or write a blog post everyday, so at least I did one productive thing outside of just going to work. Technically it's passed midnight so I already didn't make it, but I figure as long as I post it before I go to bed, what difference does it really make?

That's not what this post is about though, well, not completely. It's about the follow through. On everything, because, why the fuck is it so hard? Or maybe that's just me, but I'll make a promise to myself to remember to floss every night or buy more shampoo or send a thank you card and then I just... don't.

And it's not like I'm that busy, I'm the normal amount of busy. Yes, I have to do laundry and make dinner and watch that one show and call my siblings, but I'm not running a company or raising a family or taking care of anyone but myself. I should be able to workout multiple times a week and make that doctor's appointment and get to the dentist every six months. 

But I can't. Or I don't. I do all these things eventually, sure. And sometimes on time. Sometimes early, but usually not. Usually I'm late and filling my gas tank after it's been beeping for 50 miles. 

There's always some character in movies that has a schedule. Perfectly timed down to the minute of when they brush their teeth and flatten their hair and stick the key in the ignition to get to work. Are those people real? And there people out there who actually move like clockwork and get everything done exactly when they say they will?

Because what I'm trying to say is that I want that. Or I think I do, but I can't want it that bad or it would be happening right? I mean these are literally tasks that only affect me. If I need to do something for someone else, I can knock it out and get it to them 15 minutes early, but somehow following through for me is harder. And it's not some dramatic thing where I don't think I deserve it blah blah blah, it's just that... I won't... I can't... I don't. I just don't do the thing. 

I don't clear off my desk or call the insurance company on time or pay my credit card bill early. I do however talk to my friend on the west coast for an hour and half and scroll through Instagram and binge watch three episodes on Netflix. I also go on a walk with my mom and bake a random batch of cookies. I'm not not doing anything, I'm just not doing the things I said I'd do. To myself. In my head.

I'm now starting to grow concerned this is making me seem like a crazy person, but I said I'd post or workout, and I didn't workout (if you'd like to hear my excuses for that I have a solid six of them). Maybe tomorrow. Or you'll see me back here.

"You Just Pick a Human"

If you're over the age of seven (or seventeen), you will understand this post. Well, if I'm a good enough writer and you actually make it to the end you will.

Have you tried making a new friend lately? I mean a NEW friend, like you didn't know they existed in this world and then you meet them at work or at a bar or at a yoga class and you're like "Oh my God, we need to be friends." 

And not because you think they'd be fun to party with or because you both have an older brother or because you're both new to the city, but because you feel like you get them and they get you. You want to be friends because you're pretty sure if you texted them about that cupcake you just ate, they'd react appropriately, whether that's by congratulating you or yelling at you really depends on the kind of person you are.

Plus you can tell you'll both laugh at the same videos of people falling down on YouTube and know when to talk and when to be quiet when watching the game. They want to stay in the same amount of time you do but also know when you both have to get off the fucking couch.

They're like soulmates in a completely non-romantic way.

Anyway, all this mushiness aside, even if you've found one of these people... how do you become friends? Really. I'm asking.



Because post-college, people have a lot of friends. They have friends from home and friends from school and friends from work. They possibly even hang out with their family and also have a significant other, so how exactly does one weasel their way in without coming off like and overexcited, lonely weirdo?

I'm a firm believer that everyone can benefit from new friends, they just don't want to work at it. Which is fair. Relationships can be hard... but also awesome.

And let's remember I'm keeping romance out of the equation so if you're straight and want to be just friends with someone of the opposite sex, firstly I only sort of believe you, and secondly, good luck.
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Somehow our society makes it hard to make new friends, and I'm hoping when I post this it turns out I'm not alone in this line of thinking. It's hard not to come off too strong but if you act like you don't care, they'll assume you don't care.

Don't even get me started on what to do if you want to be MORE than friends with someone because that's a whole can of worms I'm even further from understanding. By which I mean I have literally no idea how that process is supposed to work.

I guess the ultimate goal here, whether you're trying to make friends or date someone, you have to let them know that's what's happening. Because as amazing as this person is that you've found, they're probably not mind readers, so you'll have to help them out. And while saying, "I like you" is utterly terrifying and I'd rather just not say anything... except for then I don't have new friends or a date and that's not quite ideal.

SO... I guess I'll face my fears like Chandler there (who, spoiler alert, DOES ask out the girl and doesn't die), and actually try to make some friends even though there doesn't seem to be any kind of rule book for this, so I'll just have to wing it.

Wish me luck.

#I'mTooOldForThis

I went to a college party last weekend, and as I'm now a few years out of college, I felt pretty old. Not so much in the way that I thought I was smarter or more together or mature, but more in the way that Slap Cup is now called GTFO and the sight of a Beer Pong table makes me cringe rather than squeal.


It was fun, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed myself immensely and everyone was nice and funny and sweet, but I was also drinking out of a Solo cup because God forbid you spend those four years drinking out of anything else.


So I was standing there, drinking wine with a straw, and watching the graffitied folding table be set up for various drinking games having vivid flashbacks to only a few years earlier.

The people were different and the clothes were altered and I didn't know any of the music (though I didn't back in "my day" either), but the essence was the same. It's probably a combination of the fact that we've seen all the same movies, heard all the same stories from those who went before us, and we're just not that creative. 

I'm just going to go ahead and do this all in list formation because who doesn't like a good list full of nostalgia?

The Ten Unsaid Rules Of All [Most] College Parties

1. Someone is in charge of the music and they must take this task very seriously. If a song isn't working, they should probably abandon their post playing whichever game is currently taking over the room, and switch it mid song. The music is the mood and the mood is everything. (I have to say, this was usually me back in college because it seemed important and powerful and gave me something to do, so I could avoid being awkward)


2. You need to have a 30 rack of shitty beer. Shitty beer that no one likes, it's probably Natty Light or even PBR or possibly Bud Light. Either way, it's light and cheap and a requirement for all things drinking game. This probably is simply because it's cheap, I don't think there's more to it than that, but I have yet to attend a college party where the fridge isn't completely taken over by the mediocre beverage.

3. There's a goal. Every group always has a goal. Sometimes it's to hook up with someone, sometimes it's to dance to your favorite song, sometimes it's to make new friends with that group you keep seeing everywhere. It doesn't really matter what the goal is, just that there is one, so you and your friends can then speak in code right in the middle of the either too bright or too dark room.

4. There's always one guy taking the games too seriously - I mean fist bumping, trash talking, wall punching seriousness. You want to calm him down but you're both amused and scared, so you just let it go and hope he wins. Though his exuberance over that isn't much better. 

5. Each game is fun for roughly 37 seconds. You start Flip Cup and it's great and you're loving it except for then it sucks and you stop and play Kings, which is wonderful until it's boring so you start Beer Pong before realizing, oh yeah, now only four people are being entertained so you switch back to Flip Cup. The games may change but the nonstop rotation never will.

6. Changing locations does not work. It never has worked and it never will work. Do not try to move a drunken group of college students from one party to another or one bar to another or even one room to another. You will fail. It can't be done. The introduction of cell phones hasn't even helped up because drunken people's directions are like, "Yeah, I'm buy the thing. The tall thing. It's black. The top is really bright. Can't you see me? I see you! Wait, that's not you. Oh, I think this is a street light. Oh, hi Jen, how are-" and the line goes dead.

7. The boys don't want to dance. There's always a moment where the lights go off and the girls start dancing and the boys... sit down. The sit on chairs and couches or even the floor and watch. And why not, we're putting on a show, but seriously... get up. Get involved. It will only do you well to join in. Being able to or interested in dancing will not hurt you. You can even just sway slightly from side to side and you'll get major points. I promise.


8. The happy couple leaves early and gets shit for it. Though... everyone is actually just jealous because that's why we're putting up with everything else here. Even if you aren't secretly hoping to find the perfect someone, your still not hoping to go home alone, so you're jealous either way.

9. Food is the key to everything. Open up a bag of Cheetos and you will make  friends without even speaking. Just tilt the bag of food in a drunk college student's general direction and you'll be showered with compliments. Or show up with a pizza. Or break out the cookie dough. You will be rewarded.

10. There is always the moment when you're too drunk to go to bed but not dunk enough to rage, so you and your roommates lay/sit/slouch on whatever surface you run into first and recap the night you just had. You're literally laughing while you reminisce about retuning to your room, which JUST happened. But I agree, it was hilarious.

It may be just another coed hallway, another set of twinkly lights around the window, another American flag over the TV, another round of [enter drinking game here], or another session of "you hooked up or hooked up hooked up??" But it doesn't matter if it's all been done before because it's your turn now, kids. We'll see you on the other side.

"I Don't Even Have A Pla"

What I want to know is when exactly you feel like an adult and how do you know when it's no longer acceptable to let your parent's pick up the bill without at least offering to pay? When is it officially embarrassing that I like entertainment geared toward teenagers and am I supposed to understand insurance yet? Is it cool or pathetic to get drunk now and also am I too young to get married or too old to be single? Should I be thinking about kids or focusing on my career? 




Or wait... does it matter? Is the world changing? Can I just go with my gut on all this (except the insurance thing... I'm going to have to keep calling my dad on that one)? Are we in the generation of "to each his own"? Because that's all well and good and I guess thanks to the generations before me who paved the way and allowed me so many options. That was really great of you and I appreciate all your hard work, blood, sweat, tears and all, but also, and I'm sorry to say this, but screw you. Just a little.

Because what the fuck is the plan supposed to be now? I have no plan. And there's not even some cookie-cutter plan out there that I'm defying. There's just emptiness. Or a "world of opportunity." It really depends on what day you catch me.



Sometimes I'm thrilled with the vastness before me and other days it's terrifying. It's great that the world is my oyster except for, is it? It doesn't feel exactly like an oyster. Granted, I don't know where that expression came from or what an oyster is supposed to feel like, but most of the time it feels claustrophobic. I realize that's counterintuitive, but honestly having so many options is smothering some how.

There's a line I keep seeing about your twenties that says something like: I'm at an awkward age where half of my friends are getting married and having babies and the other half are too drunk to find their phone. 

My friends and I laugh and it's like, "Ha ha ha, it's funny because it's true!"

But is it true? I know some married people my age and they don't have kids. I also know some people with kids but they aren't married. I also know some drunk people but they're mostly brewing their own beer or trying to become wine experts... they also know exactly where their phones are because they're Instagramming the shit out of their alcohol.

So really I think most of us are somewhere in the middle of that ridiculous scale - too scared to walk into marriage and babies and houses and yard work but also not exactly up for throwing down like it's college. We're stuck in a limbo that we're told will end, but it doesn't just magically become clear does it?

You all tried to pull that one over us with college and I promise you it was fine but not the best years of my life nor did it help me realize what I wanted to do.

And now we're told to travel and experience and take risks except, um, WE HAVE NO MONEY. If you want to give me some money, I will gladly backpack around the world. Twice. But I need money so I need a job and then even if I have a job, I need vacation time, which I don't have because I'm "entry level" and you have to prove yourself or something.

Yet according to Facebook and Instagram everyone I've ever met in the last ten years is somehow going to Europe, loving their job, taking up marathoning, and planning a wedding. All at once. And with impeccable hair. 

I don't mean to complain. Well. That's a lie. I do MEAN to complain, but I know I shouldn't. I'm "lucky" and "it'll work out" and I'll "miss this one day". 

So fine, universe (and parents/teachers everywhere), I'll keep trying and enjoy this time of paralyzing confusion. I'll be responsible enough to save money while still experiencing the world. I'll party all night but never be late for work. I'll start a 401k and learn what exactly that is later. I'll try to be both young and old all at once and not worry if I'm doing it right... or if there is a "right".

I guess happiness is all we can run after. So if that means staying up until 2am binging Netflix and Chinese food - do it. If that means making a budget on Excel and then going to your weekly yoga class - do it. If that means hanging out with your family and watching the game on Sunday - do it. As Nike so brilliantly puts it, just do it.



Because I think the big secret here is that no one ever had a plan. They were just copying the people before them or doing as they were told. To a degree anyway. So we're basically pioneers.

No plan is the new plan. And if that's the case. I'm doing just fine.

"As Good As Skinny Feels"

So like all the other people, I'm trying to go on a diet. And by trying, I mean I'm thinking about it really really hard while I make a batch of chocolate chip cookies... that I will most likely consume all by myself.

It's actually astounding to me how difficult it is to just not eat something. I'll sit there at a party looking at the cheese and crackers and think to myself, "You don't really even like that kind of cheese, so if you eat it, you'll still be hungry and have wasted precious calories on that stupid cheese." Expect then I think, "What?" And it's mumbled, even in my head, because I've already eaten the cheese.

It's will power I guess, which I do have. I swear. I've been on diets, or as we're supposed to say, "changed my lifestyle" before. Which I guess IS what I've done. But I've changed my lifestyle... by going on a diet. So I mean, let's all just be honest about what's going on here. And it did work except for then all of a sudden I wasn't so much counting calories as not counting them and eating whatever I wanted. Which is actually a lie. I wasn't eating WHATEVER I wanted. There was so much stuff I wasn't eating or buying that I did want. So really, my lifestyle was still changed, you know, in the terms that I wasn't eating like a five-year-old with no supervision.

What really gets me, is that you're supposed to be eating healthier and exercising, but not paying attention to your weight. I mean your weight matters, but it's about how you FEEL. I get that I suppose, but is it really about how I feel? Because I FEEL fine, except that number is really pissing me off and you know, these jeans are sort of tight. So I'm going to eat less food and move more often in hopes that the number goes down, which I will only know by checking my weight. It's really hard to gauge it all otherwise. Don't lie and tell me any different.

I also always weigh myself in the morning because I'm told you're lighter then. So if I weigh myself at night, I'm like, "Well that's fine because you know, you can subtract like ten pounds basically..."

That's ABSURD. I know that. Scientifically, I understand that I'm not gaining ten pounds throughout the day and then losing it while I sleep. But it's the same thing at the doctor's office. They tell me  not to take off my shoes, and I'm like, "Listen, I'll keep them on, but then please subtract five pounds. These are some heavy ass shoes. Also, my jeans are like two pounds and this belt - another pound. And I have on a sweatshirt which is like carrying around another four pounds. So fine... I'll keep it all on but subtract at least twelve pounds. Thank you."

I do weird mental shit about food too. Like I know I shouldn't eat this cookie, but also I walked a lot today. Like more than your average walk, because I parked clear on the other side of the parking lot. That's about fifteen extra steps which I'm sure burns about 70 calories, so you know... this cookie doesn't count essentially. It's like I'm eating air. Healthy air even. This cookie has raisins and oats in it! But then... you realize raisins and oats aren't even considered healthy anymore. No one eats oats and brags about it. 

You aren't even supposed to get multigrain bread now, you're just supposed to skip bread and wrap your sandwich up in lettuce because yeah, THAT'S THE SAME. And raisins - do you want to just gouge yourself on sugar? ...I mean, yes sort of, but if that's what I'm doing with these ridiculous raisins, then get at me, milky way, because these shriveled up dried grapes are not worth it.

Have you heard about those people who don't like to eat? They have to set alarms on their phones to remind themselves to have meals. I completely understand that this is a health issue and very serious, so in no way I'm I dismissing this disorder, but it's so far from any problem I have ever or will ever have that I just don't get it... like you're sitting still and watching TV and it hadn't crossed your mind that it would be better with popcorn? And some form of chocolate? And probably a beverage? I'm not following.

The worst part is when you know you have to change something. You can't just eat half a pan of cornbread and pretend that you're doing it right. And you've done it before. It's not impossible to turn down appetizers, have only one serving at dinner, and skip dessert. It's not. It sounds like something only insane people do, but those are just other people who are also trying to be healthier. You all do it so you don't wince when you look in the mirror... so you feel better both physically and mentally. Body image is a real thing and for the most part, something we can control. 

Hmm.

Ugh.

...Okay, FINE. I'll try again. Like try try. Not just talk about super foods and then eat chips. I'll eat vegetables, even green ones (but real talk for a second, where do people get off trying to tell us some vegetables are healthier than others - I'm eating a carrot, okay, just shut up for a second about your stupid ass kale), and fruit (again, they're like yes, eat fruit, but not too much fruit - there's a lot of sugar in fruit... um well there's a lot more in the starburst I'm pretending this orange is so relax).

Here I go again. See you on the other side, where I'll laugh and say, "It's not THAT hard, don't think of it as a diet, think of it as just changing your lifestyle."

"I Was Thinking Of Gaining Skills"

Job searching is a full time job. Except you're not being paid. And you're working from home. And eating a can of frosting. Which isn't actually that great because you're alone and bored and now getting fat. So you go to a gym that you can't afford because you're unemployed. So you try to look for more jobs but they want you to be fluent in Swahili and have 7-40 years of experience in horticulture for a job in an office. Where you'll make minimum wage. And constantly be hot or freezing based on the fight over the thermostat. But at least it's a job, right? Or not maybe. Maybe job searching is better, I mean, it IS a full time job... though the whole money thing is a bummer. Or lack there of. 

And did I mention you're living at home for this whole process? With your parents. And you love your parents. And their home. Your room is bigger than your entire previous apartment, except now making your bed seems impossible and doing dishes is physically painful. I know you could do it all before but your mom wasn't in your apartment and she is here, so maybe she could just do it. Though that's not fair, and you know that. So you half-heartedly do the dishes and wish you'd get a prize. But you don't. So you reward yourself with 5 hours straight of Netflix's finest. Yet the whole time you're thinking, "I should really be job searching."

Searching for what though? Really, that's the question. Because you're on the website and you're looking at the search bar, but what goes IN the search bar? Marketing? Finance? Medicine? Law? Therapy? Shit... You're going to have to go to school for all of that. Even hospitality - another degree you don't have. You don't want to go back to school. Well, you could, but again, for what? 

There's no plan or secret passion. You had a passion once or thought you did but then turns out it kind of sucked and wasn't any fun so you aren't doing that anymore. You just want to go to a place that doesn't suck the life out of you and work with some cool, interesting, and, if you're really lucky, funny people. Maybe they have work events and you can talk to people in meetings and do something positive for the world and make enough to pay your rent and also stay a member of your overpriced gym and get an occasional drink after hours.

Oh, and also, you'd like to move out of your parents house and live near your job. Which people kept telling you to do but you didn't and commuted 3 hours a day, which as promised, was the worst.

What you're asking and working for isn't that insane and shouldn't be so hard. But then you feel bad because even what you have now is such a luxury. How many people can actually just be unemployed and live at home rent free? Not a lot. So shut up and keep job searching. You should feel blessed to have your own computer. Don't be such a middle class jack-ass.


So after all that you think, I can do this. I'm smart. I have a degree. I have some experience. I can get some references. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. 

You pick up the spoon, have another bite of frosting, and start again.

"In WOD We Trust"

I realize this is another post about exercise but I'm unemployed, so that's what's happening in my life.

CrossFit is maybe my favorite form of exercise and it's not just due to the physical work (which is awesome and hard). It's my favorite because you show up, and everyone's learned your name because they took three seconds to ask you what it was and then remembered. Because you cheer for the last person working, not the first person finished. Because there's always room for improvement and everyday you can get stronger. Because it doesn't discriminate. Because the person next to you is also doing the hardest workout of their life. 

If you've never taken one of these classes, the first thing I want to say is don't be scared. When I first showed up, I was terrified. Your eyes immediately go to the guy who's doing like 100 pull ups and the girl walking on her hands. But these people have been working their asses off to get there and you will too. You can too.

It all starts with something called On Ramp. It's two classes of instruction, so when someone says "We're doing power cleans today," you know what that means. (I still didn't know what that meant because they all talk in a bizarre code.) No one wants you to get hurt and no one wants you to run away.

Regardless of all their prep, I got to my first class, feeling like I was going to throw up, looked at the workout, which is always written on the whiteboard, and it was gibberish. I swear, they have developed their own language full of acronyms and short hand that is indecipherable. I could have asked someone, but that wasn't going to happen. Luckily, the coaches appeared familiar with my look of confusion and doom and came up to me immediately after the explanation to see where I needed help.

I needed help everywhere. Nothing made sense. I didn't know how much to lift or if I could lift anything. What's a jerk? And how many burpees? You're saying I climb the rope? And then pull ups? Push ups too? A handstand for how long?

The coach explains scaling, which is altering the work out slightly so it's a challenge but doable. Then you learn almost everyone there is scaling. And you do what you can - which is more than you thought. And you come back tomorrow.

Even now, there's always a moment of looking at the WOD (work out of the day) where you think the coaches are being intentionally mean. And rude. And crazy. But then you look at the people standing next to you, smile because you know you're all going to do it anyway, and get started.

There are so many jokes about how people who do CrossFit can't stop talking about CrossFit. It's true. This is a real stereotype and now I'm one of the worst ones because I'm blogging about it. But it's addictive. Couldn't climb that rope before? You can now. Did you work on your muscle up today? I bet you're getting closer. Did you see her kill those pistols? Nice work! 

You're sore every day, and if not you're probably doing it wrong, but it's a good sore. You've earned it by working really hard and using muscles you thought were just for show.

CrossFit is intense and challenging but it's the most fun I've ever had working out because you're just trying to do better than the day before. Everyone there wants you to kill it, and you're cheering for them too. It may be individual work outs, but when you walk into that gym, you're part of a team.